Celebrity Bowling Competition

I was channel surfing today and I came across a celebrity bowling match on ESPN. I didn't get to see who all participated because I joined in at the end, but it looks like Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson were duking it out in the finals. Here is the video which I recorded on my VCR (man, I love technology). Enjoy.



Ok. Ok. So, maybe I don't have TV, therefore I can't watch ESPN. And maybe this is a clip from Kingpin. But, it is funny nonetheless. Even without the context. Just Bill Murray's hair and facial expressions are funny enough.

Chanson du Jour

The impeccable, incredible, indelible, infallible, indubitable, inflatable, international, inflammable, institutional, inspirational, immovable, Mason Jennings.

Mason Jennings - Fighter Girl

Another Great Joke

I love to read. Not books. They are way too long. I mentally check out after about 3 minutes so anything that cannot be read in that amount of time is right out. Magazines, news stories, nonfiction (even some nonfiction books), sports stories, etc are all fair game. As part of this love of reading (briefly) I am a voracious reader of 2 of the top 3 publications in the world today: The New England Journal of Medicine and The Reader's Digest. Note: Highlights magazine is the 3rd top publication, but I find it juvenile and simple. But, I can never find all the differences between the two pictures. It drives me crazy.

Here is a joke I read in this month's Reader's Digest. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks. He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the bookkeeper's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the bookkeeper signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

What Is Wrong With This?

Today, Cami and I found a newspaper clipping announcing my birth. It is unclear what newspaper it was, but it was probably the New York Times or something like that. But, there was one glaring error with the announcement. See if you can find it.

KEVIN JENSEN

A son (check) weighing 9 pounds 3 ounces (check) was born April 7 in Vallejo General Hospital to Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Jensen of 444 Corcoran Ave. (check, check, check).

The baby has been named Kevin Scott Jensen (check) and has a brother, Stacy (what?).

A brother named Stacy huh? Maybe I will get to meet him one day. I have heard of this mystical creature. But, my parents wanted to shield me from all bad influences. Rumor has it that my brother Stacy has quite the potty mouth and many character flaws. Thanks to my parents for shielding me from such a shady character.

But, now that I am a reasonably responsible semi-adult about to have a baby of my own (well not me, my wife), I feel it is now time to track down my older brother Stacy and meet him. Maybe I can help get him back on course. Maybe he has extra money I can have. Maybe he works on an admissions committee somewhere. Regardless, I need to meet him so I can complete my nuclear family.

Any news or tips would be greatly appreciated. I will post a picture of me so you can show my brother that I truly exist. Please carry it around asking everyone about my brother. With y'all's help we can find him in less than 30 years I believe.

Sincerely,

Kevin Scott Jensen (concerned younger brother to an older brother Stacy)

Chanson du Jour

The original bassist for Weezer was only with the greatest band ever for two albums. After Pinkerton, Matt Sharp left the band to start his own band The Rentals. This was back around 1996. Enjoy Waiting.

Notre Dame

Well, here is the deal with Notre Dame. They have a lot of things going for them. Strength of schedule? Check. They had to play all three acadamies! National exposure and big time games? Check. At least 30 people watch their games every week as NBC lights millions of dollars on fire. Tradition? Check. BCS league? Don't need one. They are just that good.

The only thing that will keep them from the championship game this year in not the 6-5 record. It is the fact that not even their fans like the team this year. Yes, it was a HOME GAME when the fans were throwing snowballs at the Notre Dame players as they lost to Syracuse (and yes Syracuse does have a football team; and no, Carmelo Anthony does not play on it). So, that will keep them out of it this year, Anonymous.

Unofficial. Moderately funny. Extremely Accurate.

Confusion Alleviation Session

College football is winding down to a close. Hallelujah. It can't happen fast enough for me. But, that is neither here nor there. It looks like, once again, the NCAA and BCS are going to have a messy mess on their hands. For example, there is only one BCS team that is still undefeated, Alabama. Hopefully that stays that way and half of the Championship game is decided. But, UT beat OU then TTech beat UT then OU beat TTech. So which is better? Who is worthy of the championship? Florida lost to Ole Miss. OLE MISS!!! Are they worthy? Should Ole Miss go with a record of 7-4? Doubt it. USC lost to Oregon State, but that is their only loss. Are they worthy? Utah is undefeated, but not in a "BCS Conference". Are they worthy? If they are worthy, why are Boise State and Ball State (the two BSUs) not worthy?

You see the problem. Everyone knows that they look at records, strength of schedule, whether the loss was at home or away, what part of the season the loss was in, etc. But, many people are still confused and debating about who should be in the BCS championship game as it currently stands. Luckily I have a friend on the BCS committee that has given me some of the other criteria and he has said I can share them on the blog since no one reads this garbage anyway.

Let me iron this out for you who are confused.

Ball State will never play for a National Championship as long as their mascot is the Cardinals. That is ridiculous. They are out. Boise State? They are from Idaho. Now, there is nothing wrong with Idaho (I mean it is perfectly cold and barren), but let's get serious. Idaho is not really known for its football. Plus the field is blue, so they are out. Florida? What a frustrating team that is to watch. They have great talent and coaching, but lose at least one game every year. They always argue they are the best. WELL WIN ALL YOUR GAMES THEN!!!! Let us not forget the constant plight of the Gator fan:"But we are in the SEC and it's hard". Cry me a river. Win! But, the thing that excludes them from the Championship is the fact that the school cafeteria no longer serves Chicken Cordon Bleu. That is absurd. They are out.

OU? Best fight song. Most obnoxious coach. Most drunk fans. All good things that make me feel they should play for the championship. And even though they had the highest percentage of Republican voters in the last election, the fact that the Oklahoma state bird is the Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher rules out OU and any other school in Oklahoma. UT? They don't get into the Championship because their "superstar" quarterbacks have included Major Applewhite, Vince Young, and Chris Sims. Not too promising for ol' Colt McCoy now is it? TTech? Really? You didn't think Tech would be playing for the championship did you? Utah? I will refrain from comment on this one.

You can see how this is more complicated than anyone ever imagined. Alabama is even going to be ruled out of the Championship game because they cancelled their Latin program saying it is a "dead language". In fact, the NCAA no longer recognizes 'Bama as a University because of this.

The Ruling:
We are going to watch the no-win Washington Huskies duke it out with the 2-win Washington State Cougars so that national attention is drawn to the dismal years those two are having. But, hey they will make $10 million out of it. Who needs dignity anyway?

My New Hero

No, not Barry Manilow. That would be ridiculous. Barry Manilow is my old hero. My new hero is Municipal Judge Paul Sacco of Fort Lupton, Colorado. He has decided that an appropriate punishment for noise violators in his city is to sit in a room for hours and listen to "music they don't like" including Barney the dinosaur and Barry Manilow. Now that is awesome.

Uhhh...Melo?

Where you going Smalls? You forgot to turn. Smalls?

Chanson du Jour

In honor of their third full-length album being released yesterday, here is a great tune from Las Vegas' The Killers. An awesome combination of the sights from my mission and the sounds from after it. Enjoy Read My Mind

Editor's Note

After the Blog Editor, Cami, saw the post with the Real Men of Genius commercials, my email inbox became flooded with emails from her. She was unhappy that I left off the two best RMOG commercials. So, in an attempt to keep my job (it is a bad economy right now after all), here are the missing two commercials. I hope you are happy now, Cami.

Mr. Giant Taco Salad Inventor



Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer

Chanson du Jour

Great song + Great band + Great video = sure to draw the ire of Anonymous

Enjoy Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies

Let Me Be Clear

I don't drink beer. But, this is just genius. If you have not heard a lot of the Real Men of Genius commercials from Bud Light, you are missing out on some seriously funny sports humor. Here are a few of my favorites.

Mr. T-shirt Launcher Inventor


Mr. Paranoid of the Ocean


Mr. Over-Zealous Foulball Catcher


Mr. 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer (this one is for Anonymous)


Mr. Overly Competitive Touch Football Player (ignore the sound effects and stupid video)


Mr. Rolling Cooler Cooler Roller


Mr. Pro Sports Heckler Guy (PG rated commercial - BEWARE)

Chanson du Jour

Too hard to choose. So, here are two songs from The Ramones.

Baby, I Love You (cover of the Ronettes)


The KKK Took My Baby Away

My Humility Amazes Me

For those of you who really know me, you are well aware of the awesome humility that I have. I am always willing to admit when I have made a mistake, when I am wrong, when I started the forest fire, when I got arrested, when I failed a test, etc. Although these instances rarely happen (and I use rarely with its strictest definition) I am, ON OCCASION, wrong. Now, what on earth am I spilling my guts for? Let me 'splain.

It is no mystery that I am not a fan of the wimpy sport, soccer. Make no bones about it, I do not like the sport. It is very fun to watch, hard to excel at and requires a lot of skill. But, there are two rules that are very stupid: Offsides and 50/50. I can go on that rant all day, so I will skip it here.

But, recent events (on Youtube about 2 minutes ago) have caused me to rethink my views on soccer. After watching the following video, I have come to the determination that it is almost a real sport. Enjoy

9 More Minutes

So, I have a little poll for any who would like to participate. In makes it no fun if you google the answer. Just give it your best shot. The question is...Why do alarm clocks have a snooze button that extends sleep for 9 minutes? Why not 5? Why not 10? That is the question that I have researched. Here are some possible answers to that perplexing pregunta.

Theory 1
Ten minutes is long enough to get back into deep sleep, so they set the snooze for 9 so that people did not fall back into a deep sleep. This makes people happier throughout the day

Theory 2
Before digital clocks, when the snooze feature was added, the gears of the snooze function had to mesh with the gears of the clock. Because the gears did not fit precisely at 10 minutes, they set the snooze to be 9 minutes because more than 10 minutes would be too long. In other words, it was just a function of gears fitting together. Upon the advent of digital clocks, clockmakers had just accepted that snoozes should last 9 minutes

Theory 3
It is easier to program the alarm clock to pay attention to one digit. By setting the snooze to be 9 minutes, the programmers only have to worry about the last digit (they program the alarm to go off as soon as the last digit DECREASES by one i.e. 45 to 54). If it were 10 minutes, the last digit would be the same, thus requiring more digits for the alarm clock to keep track of

Theory 4
Original clockmakers were lazy and did not care about precision. When the snooze feature was introduced, it usually ended up going off between 9 and 10 minutes after the snooze button was hit. When digital clocks were invented, 9 minutes was then seen as the norm, hence the 9 minute snooze

Put your vote in for the theory you like the best. There seems to be no real consensus on this, so there are no wrong answers. Just something fun to ponder.

Chanson du Jour

This fan video proves two things:

1) Fans of The Unicorns are AWESOME!!!!!!
2) It is a crying shame The Unicorns broke up.

Enjoy I Was Born A Unicorn

One Court Supreme, Please. Hold The Tomatoes.

The Supreme Court of Canada just ruled that obese people can get two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada. That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard since I read my last post. It got me thinking: what is coming down the pike for our friendly took-wearing compadres up north? I have some ideas that I have faxed to the Canadian Supreme Court. Maybe some of them will stick.

Their 4 cents worth for schizophreniacs
Carbon offset credits for the overly flatulent
Free cell phones and unlimited texts for the gossipy
A second appointment/date for the flaky
A self back-scratcher for the arrogant
A double cheeseburger for the price of a cheeseburger for the gluttonous
A copy machine and personal genie for the envious
An extra day for the procrastinator

This is just a sample of the ideas I submitted. I think I can help make big improvements to Canadian law. I am very excited.

Chanson du Jour

Arizona-based The Format with The Compromise.

Thanks For The Vids

I am never asked by those who don't read the blog, "how do you know about all these time-wasting videos?". The simple answer is, I stumble upon some of them, I seek some of them out, and some are sent to me by those with a deep concern for the success of this blog. Here are two such videos.

This one is submitted by Grandma Jones. Very funny stuff.

Men In Coats - Video buzz

This one is submitted by Mother Jensen.

Japanese Funny Guy

I've Always Wondered About This

I have always wondered about the stuff that Astronauts lose/chuck/upchuck into space. Here is a news story this week about an astronaut that lost her toolbag. What a frustrating feeling. It was like 10 feet away just chilling in midspace, but she couldn't get it. Terrible.

I love the apathetic sound in the guys voice. "Yeah, we see it" in a completely deadpan monotone voice. Awesome.

Almost Worth Attending

Pep Rallies were the worst in high school. I just had no school spirit. But, this pep rally is almost worth going to. Lake Highlands High School in Dallas has a football team in the second round of the playoffs and a volleyball team in the state finals. They had a pep rally planned for Friday, but it was changed to Tuesday (11/18/08)for unknown reasons. Here is the beginning of the pep rally. Do not watch the whole video unless you are really bored. Just check out who came. It should only be a minute or so.

Yes, that was Tony Romo and Will Smith at a high school pep rally. Crazy, huh? One of my scouts goes to this school and was at the pep rally.

Chanson du Jour

Enjoy Amsterdam by Peter Bjorn and John

105,000,000 And Counting

Here is the most watched video on Youtube. In case you have not seen it, enjoy the Evolution of Dance.

8 Things Tag

Cami, has been tagged by her friend Bekah to do the 8 things tag. But, Cami is just not computer literate enough to blog. She is learning though. Right now, she is working on Adobe Illustrator, InDesign, HTML, web design, and creating marketing e-blasts that are sent to thousands of people. Maybe next week she will have the word processing thing down and then she will only be a few months away from blogging. So, with the blessing from Cami's friends, I will attempt to do the 8 things tag as if I were Cami. I think 4+ years of marriage qualifies me to do this.

8 TV Shows I Enjoy Watching:
1) The Office - Season 2 was the last good one
2) DWTS - greatest show ever
3) Mavs Basketball - but only if they win and never if they are playing the Spurs (that is bad for the marriage)
4) Arrested Development - on Hulu of course
5) How It's Made - for the perpetually curious
6) Whatever Kevin is watching - I usually have my eyes closed, but I am listening
7) Monday Night Football - especially when the Giants are playing. They are great
8) Did I mention DWTS?

8 Things That Happened Yesterday:
1) Ate a nice calcium-rich, high protein, high fiber breakfast (in case my Dr. is reading this)
2) Fed my dog
3) Fed my husband - he just shares a bowl with Molly
4) Got my work on - I will not bore you with the details
5) Had stimulating, intelligent midday conversation with my brilliant husband
6) Watched Meet the Robinsons - very wheels off but a cute movie
7) Went to mutual - delivered Thanksgiving baskets to the ward and went to Paciugo afterwards
8) Watched DWTS online

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1) My birthday - you all should know what day it is
2) Thanksgiving - Kent Fried Turkey (bad pun) and the two grandmas in town
3) Christmas - my favorite time of year (I have already busted out the Christmas music, but have resisted the urge to take out the decorations yet)
4) My girl
5) The day my dog can: turn the lights on/off, cook meals, check my email, etc.
6) Having the nursery ready
7) Getting the mail each day
8) Seeing my husband - see an earlier post for why that is something I look forward to

8 Things On My Wishlist:
1) Healthy baby girl
2) Crib - the one from that one store; you know what I'm talking about, right Kevin? Wink. Wink.
3) Warm weather
4) Pleasant husband - I don't like it when he is cranky
5) Never to be mentioned on this blog
6) The housing market to turn around so we can sell more homes
7) Med schools to say yes to Kevin
8) To stay in Texas the rest of my life

8 Things Kevin Did Yesterday (this should be easy):
1) Work
2) Post
3) Scour Youtube for dumb Steve Nash videos
4) Add 2 new players to his fantasy basketball team and one to his football team
5) Go to mutual - with me
6) Listen to his new Adam Green cd like 83 times
7) Watch The In-Laws while I slept
8) Make Hamburger Helper (the best one: Stroganoff) for dinner at about 10 pm

Robbed Again

Well, it has happened for a third year in a row. People magazine has listed it's sexiest men alive and I DID NOT MAKE THE LIST. Yes, I was just yelling. Every year it is the same drill. I get a call from the People people; "Kevin, you just aren't that much of a household name"; I say, "So what! Sexy is sexy and people understand that. They will understand your decision when they see the killer spread I will do for the mag"; They say "But, Kevin we just can't do it. I hope you'll understand. Maybe next year. But, you will always be the sexiest man alive in our book."

So, I will just keep sitting around waiting for fame to come so I can start dominating the sexiest man alive contest. But, for now, I will let y'all be the judge.

Here is their "winner" Hugh Jackman


Here is the guy with empty pockets again

Further Proof Steve Nash Is Awesomeness Embodied

Here is some classic humor from the great Steve Nash. Because of its PG rating, I will only put a link on the blog. Those of you who are feeling a little saucier than the traditional G-Rated humor of the blog can continue to Youtube to view these three videos. I believe you will like them. They are all part of a Vitamin Water commercial.

Training
Bragging
Acting

If that did not make you laugh out loud, you either didn't get it or you find nothing on this blog funny. Peace.

Spot On

The Onion nails another one. I feel the same way about the people who live on the coast of Florida, New Orleans, Alaska, those who vote Democrat, those who re-read books, and those who watch Jerry Bruckheimer movies. You know what is going to happen, but you just don't care enough to do anything about it.


Californians Gather To Celebrate Annual Wildfire Tradition

What Was I Thinking?

Here is a classic from my childhood. Watch. Then, let's discuss.


Watching this now, I can't help but think: Why did I ever like this show? He-Man looks like a girl, the plot is ridiculous, and the bad guys are kinda wimpy. I have some questions. Who would want to defend a cave? What kind of people own tigers? How does he change costumes? Did the sword come from the Lady of the Lake or from some other farcical aquatic ceremony?

So, thinking about it now, I have formulated some hypotheses as to why I would enjoy such a show.

1) My sister dropped me on my head when I was a baby
2) When I wouldn't sleep as a child, my parents made me drink paint thinner
3) My dad, who always threw snowballs at me on my way home from school, accidentally got a rock in one of them, causing more damage than anticipated
4) I was forced to eat vegetables as a child, which studies have shown cause severe brain damage
5) The Office wasn't on back then
6) My mom wouldn't let me grow my hair out, so I had to live vicariously through fictional characters
7) Maybe the mind-altering experience of playing one year of soccer led me to such ridiculous shows
8) Lead paint in my room
9) Did I mention vegetables?

So, to all you parents out there. Be careful so that your child does not end up liking ridiculous shows like this. Remember, Wiggles-bad, Backyardigans-good

Chanson du Jour

Adam Green is one of my favorites. As one half of the group The Moldy Peaches, he garnered a little fame from the song Anyone Else But You (as seen in the movie Juno). But his solo work has been pretty genius, although not always for the faint of heart (much like The Moldy Peaches). Enjoy Jessica.

More From The Onion

Since all of the reader of this blog liked the last post from The Onion (Obama supporter video), here is another video from The Onion. Enjoy

Do You Like The New Layout?

I hope everyone is enjoying the new layout for the blog. We got it from thecutestblogontheblock.com, I think. Anyways, the last background was called Midnight on Mercury. This one is called Midnight on Mars. They look pretty similar because come to find out everything looks the same with no light. But there is a small difference. Thank goodness for the creative geniuses out there that help my blog be what it is: an insight into my head, and my mind, and my brain. Thanks cbotb.com!!!

Here is a picture of black

I'm Glad They Made A Show About It But If These Guys Were In The Theater With Me I Would Have To Throw Something At Them Because They Are Annoying

Everyone knows one. You know one. Yes, you. The person reading this way too late at night or way too early in the morning (Anonymous). Either way, read this, then go to sleep.

Anyway, like I was saying. Everyone knows one. The during-movie-talker (DMT). Here are some DMT classics:

1) "Ooh, ooh. I love this part"
2) "Hey y'all. Pay attention. This is the funniest/best/my favorite part"
3) Quoting the lines- "There are those who call me...Tim?"
4) Talking during sad parts to prevent them from crying in front of friends
5) Making fun of chick flicks and then watching them again the next day
6) "Man, I totally would have shot that guy."
7) At the climax of the movie - "Does anyone need a Coke?"
8) Telling random trivia about actors or the movie (guilty as charged on that one) - hey DMT, if we wanted that info we would watch the DVD with commentary from the filmmaker

Here are the original gangstas of DMT. Enjoy a short clip from an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

Four days between posts. Wow, I must be a really busy and important person. I feel neat now that I finally have something to do that is more important than posting on a blog. I have finally arrived.

Actually, the AC adapter to our router died last week, leaving us with only the stolen signal from our neighbor's router for a couple of days. It was during that time that I realized how little I use the internet. And when I do use the internet, it is to find random Youtube videos, check email that I never get(I never get email - this is not a pitiful plea, but rather a jubilant cheer), check my fantasy football and basketball teams (both of which have winning records thank you very much), and read a few blogs. As you can see, nothing too important.

Now, here is a list of things I am not doing on the internet. I don't cure cancer, give food to starving people around the world, do homework for struggling high schoolers, research intelligent design as a viable scientific theory, donate to the Obama campaign, watch reruns of Oprah, get involved in MLM business opportunities (read: scams), work on perfecting hydroelectric power, etc.

Hence, I do nothing of note on the internet, so not having internet for a few days really didn't put me back at all. Maybe I should just cancel my service and mooch off my neighbor some more. I'll look into it.

Chanson du Jour

Cake singing Rock 'N Roll Lifestyle. Apparently this performance was at some pink helmet festival, judging by the crowd. Funny lyrics.

100 Things Every Man Should Be Able To Do

The score is:
My dad - 100
My father-in-law - 100
Phill - 100
Every Man I Know - 100
Me - 11 (#s 2, 19, 30, 31, 39, 41, 42, 57, 68, 73, 75)

Automotive
1. Handle a blowout
2. Drive in snow
3. Check trouble codes
4. Replace fan belt
5. Wax a car
6. Conquer an off-road obstacle
7. Use a stick welder
8. Hitch up a trailer
9. Jump-start a car

Emergencies
10. Perform the Heimlich
11. Reverse hypothermia
12. Perform hands-only CPR
13. Escape a sinking car

Home
14. Carve a turkey
15. Use a sewing machine
16. Put out a fire
17. Home-brew beer
18. Remove bloodstains from fabric
19. Move heavy stuff
20. Grow food
21. Read an electric meter
22. Shovel the right way
23. Solder wire
24. Tape drywall
25. Split firewood
26. Replace a faucet washer
27. Mix concrete
28. Paint a straight line
29. Use a French knife
30. Prune bushes and small trees
31. Iron a shirt
32. Fix a toilet tank flapper
33. Change a single-pole switch
34. Fell a tree
35. Replace a broken windowpane
36. Set up a ladder, safely
37. Fix a faucet cartridge
38. Sweat copper tubing
39. Change a diaper
40. Grill with charcoal
41. Sew a button on a shirt
42. Fold a flag

Medical
43. Treat frostbite
44. Treat a burn
45. Help a seizure victim
46. Treat a snakebite
47. Remove a tick

Military Know-How
48. Shine shoes
49. Make a drum-tight bed
50. Drop and give the perfect pushup

Outdoors
51. Run rapids in a canoe
52. Hang food in the wild
53. Skipper a boat
54. Shoot straight
55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike
56. Escape a rip current

Survival
57. Build a fire in the wilderness
58. Build a shelter
59. Find potable water

Surviving Extremes
60. Floods
61. Tornados
62. Cold
63. Heat
64. Lightning

Teach Your Kids
65. Cast a line
66. Lend a hand
67. Change a tire
68. Throw a spiral
69. Fly a stunt kite
70. Drive a stick shift
71. Parallel park
72. Tie a bowline
73. Tie a necktie
74. Whittle
75. Ride a bike

Technology
76. Install a graphics card
77. Take the perfect portrait
78. Calibrate HDTV settings
79. Shoot a home movie
80. Ditch your hard drive

Master These Key Workshop Tools
81. Drill driver
82. Grease gun
83. Coolant hydrometer
84. Socket wrench
85. Test light
86. Brick trowel
87. Framing hammer
88. Wood chisel
89. Spade bit
90. Circular saw
91. Sledge hammer
92. Hacksaw
93. Torque wrench
94. Air wrench
95. Infrared thermometer
96. Sand blaster
97. Crosscut saw
98. Hand plane
99. Multimeter
100. Feeler gauges

Election Results

Did anyone hear the election results? I am just wondering because I got this email today and I am concerned about my new workload.

Chanson du Jour

Cop: What kind of car is it?
Dude: 1972 Pontiac LeBaron
Cop: Color?
Dude: Green. Some brown, or, uh rust coloration.
Cop: And was there anything of value in the car?
Dude: Huh? Oh. Yeah. A tape deck. Couple of Creedence tapes. And, uh, my briefcase.
Cop: In the briefcase?
Dude: Papers. Just papers. You know, my papers. Business papers.
Cop: And what do you do sir?
Dude: I'm unemployed.

No Truer Words

Gotta love The Onion. Thanks Chelsea for the heads up on this video.

The President With The Highest IQ Ever?

That is what is being said about Obama. But, from this little interview, I would beg to differ.



Now that is funny. The guy who put this video together is the same guy that put the Obama song together that was posted earlier on this blog. He is a funny guy and is good with video editing, apparently. Also, he has a lot of time on his hands. Luckily, I just need enough time to copy and paste his hard work into my blog. Then my blog becomes funny. Awesome process.

Bottle Rocket

Let us run down a list of accomplishments for the movie Bottle Rocket

-Wes Anderson's first movie
-Owen Wilson's first movie
-Luke Wilson's first movie
-Funniest movie ever made
-Stars all three Wilson brothers
-Funniest movie ever made

For those of you who have not seen it, it is about a group of friends that try and live a life of crime. Very funny. Here is a clip of Dignan (Owen Wilson) interviewing Bob Maplethorpe for the job of getaway driver. It should be noted that Dignan does not own a vehicle.

Tag,You're It

We were tagged by our great friends the Lametaggers. The tag is called Top 3, where we have been asked to list our 3 favorite_______. I think you will get the idea. Hopefully this lets you know more about the Jensen family.

3 Favorite Roof Styles
3) Cross-Hipped - because it allows the roof to bend or wrap around the house and have an even roof to wall junction all the way around the house and eaves on all sides.
2) Mansard - kind of ugly, but kind of cool (for someone else)
1) Chinese Hipped-Gable Roof - I mean, can this be beat?

3 Favorite Cloud Formations
3) Cumulus - really cool from an airplane
2) Stratus - very majestic in valleys, at mountain bottoms, and on lakes
1) Texas Storm Clouds (aka Cumulonimbus) - green, swirling, lightningy (Ratatouille reference)

3 Favorite Phyla
3) Platyhelminthes - mainly just for the name, but flatworms are pretty cool
2) Cnidaria - we like them so much, we own some (check the bottom of this page)
3) Chordata - Duh, we are chordata. It must be the best

3 Favorite Meats
3) Steak - but not the crap from Taco Bell. That commercial is a lie and propaganda
2) Bacon - but only in the morning
1) Turkey - Hello. It is consumed on Thanksgiving, the best day ever

3 Favorite Chemical Reactions
3) Grignard Reaction - a classic from organic chemistry. That Grignard is a genius
2) Aldol Condensation - ok, so maybe I am biased towards organic chemistry. I just really don't like inorganic chemistry
1) Diet Coke and Mentos - a classic

3 Favorite Eras
3) Victorian Era - Jack the Ripper, New Zealand, Irish Famine, Charles Darwin. 'Nuff Said
2) Mesozoic Era - without this era we would not have had the movie Jurassic Park
1) Pedro Martinez' 1999 ERA - 2.07! Are you kidding me? Greatness

I hope that gives you more information about us!!! If you read this, you are tagged!!! We look forward to learning so much more about our friends!!!

Chanson du Jour

Not really a RHCP fan, but here is Dani California. Good song, funny video. How many artist impersonations can you identify? Good luck.

Chanson du Jour

Today we bring you a song from the Bellingham, Washington band Death Cab For Cutie. This is I Will Follow You Into the Dark.

Tru' Dat

Oxford University did research on the most annoying phrases. Here they are in a very particular order (most annoying to not as annoying but still annoying)...
1)At the end of the day
2)Fairly unique
3)I personally (thank you Miss Teen South Carolina)
4)At this moment in time
5)With all due respect
6)Absolutely
7)It's a nightmare
8)Shouldn't of (I'm assuming that is a written phrase?)
9)24/7 (definitely number 1 on my list)
10)It's not rocket science

This research must have been done before the election because "Change" "Yes We Can" and "My Friends" are not on the list, and they are certainly annoying now. Any others? I wish I could have been on this research team

Sir Rowan Atkinson

Those of us with discerning palates will recognize Rowan Atkinson from his Mr. Bean character that would appear about 11:30pm on PBS. Greatness, indeed. But, many people do not know that Rowan Atkinson, much unlike his most famous character, talks. And when he talks, he is funnier than just about anyone alive. Here is a funny sketch with another genius, Monty Python's John Cleese.



Because we are keeping this blog G-rated, I cannot show you one of Sir Atkinson's funnier skits, but for those of you in a PG sort of mood can, of your own volition and under no coercion from the blogger or those associated with such enterprises, view a very funny skit from his standup routine. Those of you thinking that the prior skit had a violent ending not worthy of a G rating, I will refer you to Disney's Bambi, which is both violent and G-rated. And while there is no evidence that Rowan Atkinson has officially been knighted, we will still call him Sir and assume that the Royal family is just behind in their procedures. I mean, Elton John was knighted for Pete's sake! Why shouldn't Rowan?

Sticking with the British humor theme, here is some classic Monty Python's Flying Circus for you. I cannot stop laughing every time I see this. Enjoy the Silly Olympiad.

Ode To Redbox

Driving 'round town just the other day
I was quite surprised I really must say
When what appeared to be at our local Walgreen's
A Redbox had materialized by all to be seen
Rent new and old movies, just a dollar a day
Is anything better? I have to say nay
But, beware lest you return the movie too late
The dollar turns to two at a quarter past eight
Go online and find you can get you a code
For a rented movie where nothing is owed
I love me some Redbox, just want y'all to know
From now, everyday, I'll enjoy me a show

Stream of Consciousness (Brace Yourself)

I liked paying $1.99 for gas yesterday
When is it going to snow here?
The Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies are the best movies ever made
Does grass get offended when it gets stepped on? Or does it internalize it?
There's a Big and Tall store for men but not a Short and Squatty store. Why?
I don't like doing oxidation/reduction problems in inorganic chemistry
Benzene is truly the miracle molecule, besides H2O of course
Why do pens never write when we need them to? Do they have to warm up?
The Spurs are 1-4, but the Giants are 7-1
I think Toys for Tots is a good thing
I like hamburgers and steak, but never together. That's just gross
Blogging is a very girl-heavy practice, like scrapbooking and soap operas
Why do I blog and my wife does not?
Seinfeld must have been the soap opera for guys, without the dramatic title
College football bores me
College basketball bores me
Soccer bores me
College soccer? Not that boring
Where did the phrase "kick the bucket" come from?
Taco Casa > Taco Bueno > Taco Bell > Taco Cabana >or= what is rotting in my fridge right now
Sea Urchin should never be eaten. By anyone. This means you, Japan!
Tom Cruise should retire from Hollywood just like fellow stinkmaker Joaquin Phoenix
Brad Pitt should be in every movie
Funyuns are gross
Doritos should be served at every school lunch
Good music died with the Beatles and came back with Nirvana
It is rapidly disappearing again thanks to T-Pain, Rihanna and Fitty Cent
We should all listen to the Chanson du Jour to support good music
It is hard to live it Texas...and dislike Country music (using "music" liberally), and be a Giants fan, and like the cold
The Spurs are 1-4
Fantasy Sports is just like gambling, but without any reward if you win
Dogs love taking walks
The guy that walks his dog in the neighborhood I work in just handed me a picture of one of our houses covered in snow. Kind of strange
My dog loves the water, but hates hoses and baths. Go figure
Fiction is terrible
Everyone should be like me and read nothing but nonfiction
I wonder if someone will ever read down this far
My wife is much funnier than me
She is also smarter than me
She is also a better cook
But, I am taller and heavier. So there!
I don't understand the appeal of motorcycles
When I grow up, I want a Harley
I apologize for everything on this blog. I will find a way to give your time back to you
Signing out.

Chanson du Jour

It's like I've always said. The best music comes from Sweden. By the way, it is hard to know for sure, but I think only one of the band members is a girl. Enjoy the soothing sounds of The Sounds.

White Men Can't Dance

Wasn't there a movie made about this starring Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes? I guess we'll never know.

Chanson du Jour

Beastie Boys + Spike Jonze = ...well, see for yourself. Here is "Sabotage"

Forgotten Greatness

I bet no one remembers the greatness that is Trigger Happy TV. It was a hilarious British show that was on Comedy Central for a while. They tried to make an American version, but it was terrible because the British guy that does all the scenes is a genius and the American version did not have him.

The concept of the show is to involve unsuspecting people in ridiculous scenarios just to confuse them and kind of freak them out. Sometimes the target people are actually in on the joke and the joke is on those watching. Sometimes the target people have no idea what is going on. It is funny. Here are some great clips of the show for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about.

The guy with the money is doing the gag. The other guy has no idea what is going on


Um. Yeah.


Claustrophobia much?



Classic


I wish I could make stuff up like him


Awkward


There are many more on Youtube if you are bored one day. I miss quality TV.

Awesome Interview

Anyone who watches sports stuff on TV knows who Jim Rome is. He is an opinionated punk that few people like, but you gotta watch him because it's like watching a train wreck. He is pretty funny though. I found this video and thought it was quite humorous. For those of you who may not know, there is a big difference between Jim Everett the Buffalo Bills quarterback and Chris Evert the female tennis star. Roll the tape, maestro.

Chanson du Jour

You may recognize this song from a Sears commercial from a few years back. The song is greatness. This was taped at a private concert in my living room. Enjoy "Coming Home" by The 88.

The best thing about the band The 88 is that Anderson Varejao is in the band, playing guitar. I think that he may be the most multi-talented person ever. Way to go AV! (That is a joke for NBA fans)

Chanson du Jour

I know we have done a lot of The Weezers lately, but it has come to my attention that not everyone has seen the Keep Fishin' video. Since this is a tragedy much worse than when Hollywood decided to make movies out of the Lord of the Rings books, I will allow all of my loyal reader (not a typo) to view the video from the convenience of this blog.

PS - If you are in the minority that think the Muppets are not pure genius, than you can unsubscribe from this blog and forget you ever stumbled upon it on accident because our name appears on the side of your actual friend's blog.

My Civic Duty

Well, today is election day. I feel that this is the most important election of my lifetime (well, both of them actually), so I feel it is important for me to divulge who I voted for and why. Hopefully, I can persuade some of you undecideds out there to vote my way.

I have studied the issues, listened to conservative and liberal points of view, listened to Obama and McCain and their running mates and had to make a big decision. So, when I hit the booth today, I was able to cast a well-informed, thought out vote.

I voted for Ray Lewis, because we need a strong national defense. I also voted for Kobe Bryant because sometimes a good offense is the best defense. I am covered either way.

I voted for Einstein because education is so important to me. I also feel that music education is important, so I voted for Stephen Malkmus and Craig Jessup. I voted for Bill Gates so he could bolster our economy. That dude knows how to make cash.

I voted for Ted Nugent because we need to have tight gun control laws in this country while not compromising anyone's 2nd amendment rights. If anyone knows the importance of guns and who should and should not have guns, it is him.

I voted for the Micro Machines man so as to protect freedom of speech. That guy can talk like no one else and will do everything he can to help us all talk as well. I voted for Mr. Rogers because we need to have solid Foreign Relations - and who is more neighborly than him?

I voted for Walt Disney to end the bickering and unhappiness in this country. The guy invented the happiest place on earth for crying out loud! I also voted for the CEO of e-harmony so he could marry off all my friends that are pushing 30 and still single. I mean, come on guys.

I hope that helps everyone make an educated decision. If you have any questions, just let me know. I am happy to help.

Anyone Interested?

There is a Washington-based company that really scares me. It is called Fungi Perfecti. They offer "everything for the mushroom enthusiast: ready-to-grow kits for indoor and outdoor mushroom cultivation, books on mushroom cultivation and identification, mushroom gifts, and tools for hobbyists and professionals."

OK. Let's break this down. First of all, if I want to eat fungus, I can just go get some off the floor of the shower in any locker room in America. I don't have to buy a home-growing kit. Second, I have never met a mushroom enthusiast. Maybe they live in the hinterlands of this great country, but I have never come across one. The closest I have come to seeing one is my Biodiversity professor. Third, indoor mushroom cultivation? This, flier says you can grow mushrooms "right on your kitchen counter!" as if that is a good thing. Isn't that why you clean your kitchen counter? To prevent mushrooms from growing there.

Fourth, books on mushrooms? What next? Books on railings? How boring. Fifth, mushroom gifts? GIFTS? Mushrooms are curses. How could they be gifts?

In any case, this company frightens me. I once saw a Dirty Jobs episode where Mike went to a mushroom farm. They are grown in manure, a fact I point out to my wife each time she eats a 'shroom. They are a fungus. Fungi are not to be eaten, or trusted. But, everyone can go to www.fungi.com for more details on this disturbing company.

Fantasy Island

I am terrible, terrible, terrible at Fantasy Sports. I don't know what it is, but I just have no idea what I am doing. Let me explain. To me, a sound football move would be to substitute Jon Kitna in for Kurt Warner? Is that a bad move. I still think Ickey Woods is the best running back in the league. I mean the guy who created the Ickey Shuffle out of thin air is pure greatness, right?

In basketball, I would take out Carlos Boozer and put in Eric Dampier. Is that so wrong? Dampier gets like 4 rebounds a game! What is so bad about that?

Just last week I lost in fantasy basketball to a guy who is lucky if he can figure out how to log into his email. His name will remain "Anonymous" so as to protect the innocent. But, come on. How could I lose to him? Why does my sports incompetence outweigh my ability to work a computer (I can blog, email, and use a word processor - I mean, I am advanced on the computer!)? Well, I guess superior sports knowledge is king when it comes to fantasy sports. That is why I have not been able to beat Phill or Anonymous since...well, never.

Here's to last place, AGAIN!

Chanson du Jour

Could Ben Kweller be any awesomer? I highly doubt it. Dallas couldn't be prouder of our golden child.

66 Posts!

I can't believe we are here commemorating the 66th post on this blog. It has been such an eventful, grueling, exhilarating, exciting, full of adventure 5 weeks. When we started this little blog, we never thought we would ever have 3 readers and 66 posts. That is phenomenal. We are very excited and we apologize for everything on this blog.

In fact, just last week, Blogger.com officially dubbed this blog, yes this blog, "the only blog that has more posts per day than readers". I can't believe that we got that kind of recognition from Blogger.com. With a little more effort, we can elevate this blog to "most likely to make you feel like you want your time back". I know, I know. I should just take it one step at a time. We don't want to get overconfident.

Hallowho?

Well, we finally made it. Past the worthless celebration of Halloween, that is. I have not been a fan of Halloween my whole life. So this year, I decided to reflect on why I don't enjoy dressing up in odd costumes and begging my neighbors for tooth decay and an early death. Here is what I came up with.

1) When I was little, my mom dressed me up like a clown not realizing I was terrified of clowns - hence, I scared myself upon looking in the mirror causing deep scars that have not only not healed, but got worse after seeing It on subsequent Halloweens
2) My only good memories of trick-or-treating came when Halloween was on a Monday. Then I could catch part of the Monday Night Football game at each house
3) I worked so hard to get a pillowcase full of candy that my dad then ate (not the pillowcase, the candy)
4) My parents don't like Halloween
5) I had to stay home and hand out candy when I hit the age of 6 because I was "too old for trick-or-treating". Then I got to hear about the candy my friends got and had to explain to them that trick-or-treating is for kids, so I didn't go
6) My mom told me that all the candy I got was poisoned
7) Who likes being scared anyway?
8) I would always get a napkin, ice cream, and mashed potatoes on my first draw which never ended up very pretty for me (that is an inside joke for family only)
9) Having long legs, all costumes on me make me look like I am waiting for a flood forcing me to go to all Halloween costume events as "the nerd", which is not good for anyone's self esteem let alone someone who also fits every other description of a nerd
10) If it weren't for Halloween, retail stores could start selling Christmas stuff in September, which I believe everyone agrees, can only be a good thing
11) Most importantly, it is not Thanksgiving, the best day of the year

I hope that settles it. And if I have converted anyone to being a Halloween Scrooge then the 3 minutes it took to write this post as my wife sleeps on the couch will be well worth it. Peace.

Tryin' To Be Hip

In an effort to be cooler, Cami and I partook of a little hip hop music today. (All the cool people listen to hip hop music, right? At least that is what I am told). Anyways, we were blessed to hear a song that instructed the listener, in this case us, to "do da stanky leg".

To me, that sounded like some sort of incurable infection of the leg, or at least something that I would not like to be involved in. But, after a little research, I learned that "da stanky leg" is indeed a dance. So, I learned it (please refer to previous posts if my affinity for dancing has just shocked you).

Basically, "da stanky leg" looks like the performer is doing three things at once:

1) Snow skiing (probably just the bunny hill - that is all I can do anyway)
2) Doing calisthenics (maybe led by Kathy Smith or Suzanne Somers - pretty light stuff)
3) Mixing brownie batter (with a fork, not beaters)

If you do these three things at the same time, you are doing "da stanky leg". Way to go everyone. Now, let's go hit the clubs!