My Secret Identity

Well, I just thought I would let you all know that I have a secret identity. When there is a political crisis, I take off my glasses so no one can recognize me and become dum dum dum duuuuuuuuum, The Conservative Conquistador. When I go about saving the world, I will let you all know. My nemesis, the liberal menace (sorry about having to look at this garbage twice, but I thought this was pretty funny, if I do say so myself....and I do), and I will be worthy opponents and do battle until neither of us has changed our mind and Obama is out of office (in 2012). Here is my writing prior to Obama's speech in Cairo yesterday. I wrote it as a joke, but he actually said about half the stuff I said he would. Nice.

POSTED BY The Conservative Conquistador

With how well connected I am in Washington, I was able to get an advanced copy of Obama's "much-anticipated" speech to the Muslim world this week. I was originally asked to Twitter his speech in Farsi for the Arab world to follow along, but I had to shave so I couldn't participate, but here is the gist of the speech for those of you who may miss it.

It is important to point out, first off, that you should not worry about fact-checking any of the statements Obama makes because the facts are irrelevant. The media won't fact-check his statements because there is a baby seal dying in the Atlantic Ocean and they might be able to tie that death to not using solar panels. All their investigative journalists are focusing on that at the moment. Plus, if asked about the lack of factual material in the speech, Robert Gibbs will something really articulate like "well, uh, uh, uh, uh, I think what, uh, the President, uh, was going for was to uh suggest that, uh", then he will remember his talking points and say "uh, we are just fixing the mistakes of the last 8 years. Yeah, that is what he meant by that statement." So, don't worry about the facts. Here are the basics of his speech, point by point.

- America has been the most oppressive and tyrannical country over the last 8 years
- We are sooooooooo sorry for the unnecessary killing of fundamentalist Muslims
- There are just as many Muslims in the U.S. as there are in the rest of the world combined
- We are going to make the Quran required reading in preschools, all grade levels, prisons, colleges, synagogues and churches because Americans are so ignorant and if only we understood you guys a little more we could get along
- If only I could talk with Al-Qaeda, we could work this whole hatred of Western Civilization out. I can solve any problem...just ask me.
- 9/11 was America's fault
- America, for the last 8 years, has loved to hold innocent Muslims in Guantanamo for no apparent reason - plus we got lots of giggles out of torturing them. For that we cannot apologize enough and hope that there is something we can do to repay you - well, hey, I have an idea. We'll give you half of Israel. That will appease you, right?
- If only we had clean energy, there would be no fighting between Islam and the West. Coal, oil, gas, and power plants are the main source of the friction
- I will make the ocean levels drop (that is a repeat of a campaign promise)
- As an apology from the U.S. to you, take this Ipod filled with my speeches
- Hey, did y'all know I was Muslim for a couple years? I understand you
- I think the U.S. would be more than happy to live by Shariah law, if that is all you guys want.
- I am pretty sure that there are just as many Muslims in the 57 states as there are Christians
- We are not a Christian country
- From now on, any Arab or Muslim traveling to the U.S. will no longer need a passport. We welcome you with open arms.
- Hey, if you ask nicely, I will give ALL of Israel to you, not just half. And I will let Iran bomb it before I give it to you. Will that make you happy?
- We are going to implement the Bill Maher method of national security. That is, until terrorists kill more than 1 million people a year, we are not going to worry about it because at the moment hurricanes, alcohol, and cancer kill more Americans each year than terrorists. We don't even need to worry about terrorists until the problem gets much much worse. I think he is onto something there.

He will end with 83 more apologies and talking about how the "occupation" of Iraq is a mistaken policy of the last 8 years and that he will never allow that to happen on his watch. Then he will leave a gift for Bin Laden, and leave. Hope that helps catch you up, in case you missed the speech.