Daddy Dialogues

The babe is 3.5 weeks old now and the wife and I have learned many lessons. Here are some new lessons that many may consider common sense, but others may not have known. Also, I will include, of course, some observations on parenthood as an insight to those of you who are looking ahead at parenthood. Lezgo.

1) Having a baby will get you to do things that you did not do before. For example, I take a lot of pictures now. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate pictures. But, I am always bustin' out the camera now. Also, with a child I have started reading fiction. I hate fiction with a passion. Why read it if it is not true? But, suffice it to say that the percentage of children's books that are nonfiction is scant. So, if I read to my daughter, it is probably fiction. I have tried reading her the book I am currently reading, MAO by Jung Chang, but she seemed to have no interest in learning how Mao manipulated and lied his way into power, the eventual violent takeover of China, the ousting of Chiang Kai Shek and the Nationalists to Taiwan, and the lies that Mao told the world to repair his image. She is more interested in the duck and the bunny who are best friends and hop and swim around. Maybe if MAO had more pictures. I don't know. Another thing I do now with a kid that I didn't do before is go to bed at 9:30. So tired.

2) Another thing I learned as a parent is that I need to invest heavily in lotion for my dry hands. I am constantly washing things, rinsing things off, doing dishes, doing laundry, wiping things up, etc. The hands are wet all day, which is not good for the moisture level in them. Lotion becomes my friend.

3) Diapers come in 72 packs at Wal-Mart. What a joke. The only feasible reason for that nonsense is that they want you coming into a Wal-Mart every 3 days. 72 diapers does not last very long. Especially when junior decides to go to the bathroom AGAIN directly after being changed. I swear I think she is messing with us most of the time.

4) I have discovered, since having offspring of my own, that all those people who I thought were obnoxious were right. My child IS INDEED cuter, smarter, stronger, funnier, and has a stronger sense of irony than every other kid on the planet...ever. I never knew that was true. I just thought the parents that thought their kid was the superlative in any category were annoying. But all this time they were telling the truth. Huh.

5) Since having a baby, you learn the origins of some words and phrases. Of course there are the obvious ones like smooth as a baby's bottom, baby soft, etc. But here is one of the lesser known phrases that was started by baby owners of the past. Rootin' Tootin'. Have you heard that phrase? Usually said with a western twang? Well, that phrase has its origin with babies. When the baby wakes up from her nap and is hungry and trying to work one out (if you know what I mean), she is lying on the floor doing two things: rootin' (she opens her mouth, turns her head, and sticks out her tongue as if she is trying to eat) and tootin' (happens when an air bubble in the bladder works its way out through...well you know what tootin' is). And that is where the phrase rootin' tootin' comes from.

6) There are times in a baby's day when she just does not want to sleep. Call it wake time, fussy time, whatever. It can be quite enjoyable and pleasant or it can be pure [Dante's favorite topic]. For example, wake time at 5 pm is a lot of fun. We can play with the babe, read her books, have her play fetch with the dog, etc. But, fussy time at 1 am...not so fun. You are too tired to read another book about puppies and you are unamused that nothing seems to put your child to sleep.

7) I always thought that newborns only did four things: eat, sleep, poop, and cry. But, we have discovered that at 3 weeks newborns develop a 5th skill - being stubborn. Oh yeah. Stubborn. We can no longer impose our will on our own newborn. She no longer accepts whatever fate we choose for her. She grunts, kicks, and squawks until she gets her way (which by the way is the fate we chose for her - she just wants to do things her way). Like I said, stubborn.

Well, that is it for now. As I learn more lessons, I will pass them along. Kevin Jensen out.