As I have been visiting medical schools in various parts of the country, I have started to concoct this theory in my head that I could start up my own medical school. Of course with all the competition out there it would be hard to get a good name for my school quickly, so I would have to really go above and beyond in order to attract students to my school. Here are some of my "outside the box" ideas for the perfect medical school. I hope the dean at Johns Hopkins is not a reader.
1. A major theme on campuses is time. There is never enough of it. Classes are strenuous and challenging causing long hours in labs and in the library. So, my school will have the cafeteria built inside the anatomy lab. Genius, I know. Munch and dissect at the same time. Think of all the time that will save. Students will have more free time to play video games, watch movies, or party. Plus, everything will taste like formaldehyde, so the quality of the food can slip without losing too much business.
2. Take the term "medical school" or "school of medicine" out of the title of the school. How cliche is that? Kevin Medical School. Jensen School of Medicine. Boring. Sounds like all the others. What about Kevin Jensen's School of Awesomeness for the Intelligently Cool? Nice ring to it, huh?
3. Tuition is expensive. Students are graduating medical school with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. That needs to stop. But, it is hard for schools to keep tuition costs down because of the expense of running a medical school. I have a solution. Don't buy cadavers. Have the students practice dissection and medical procedures on themselves and each other. Cadavers are expensive and we could lower tuition with the money we would save.
4. Cut the program length down to 6 weeks. If phlebotomists can be trained in a 6 week program, so can physicians. Medical school is such a huge time commitment (7 to 12 years of school AFTER undergraduate work) that it is driving away many potential doctors. By cutting the schooling down to 6 weeks, we can really attract more students to our program.
5. Move the school to ANWR. This will do two things to make the school better. It will provide 24 hour daylight for a chunk of the year so that students can study more and get through the 6-week program with relative ease. And secondly, students will be happy to come there because it is a very hot vacation spot (that's why we can't drill there right? to preserve the beauty of it for us all to enjoy). It's like they say in real estate: location, location, location.
I recognize that there are many great minds out there and I would appreciate any help in creating my own medical school. But, I think we have a solid start here. I am very excited. Now, I will take this proposal to a bank and try and get a $500 million dollar loan. Wish me luck. Or maybe I will just ask Congress for a bailout. That seems to be working.
5 comments:
hey, if larry flynt can ask for bailout money, why can't you?
I never thought I would laugh or appreciate anything that man would ever do in his worthless life. But, that was pretty funny.
remember, EVERY life is precious.
I believe you are onto something with the whole medical school thing and as a homebuilder would like to help you in achieving your dream. I am therefore afficialy putting my hat into the ring to provide you with the constuction of the buildings you will require. The only requirment I have is that you must follow the current business model that we have adopted in our homebuilding business to meet the current market conditions and consumer demands. These conditions are as follows:
1. You cannot have the money to pay for the buildings in hand before signing a contract, or no idea how you are going to get it.
2. You must let me give you a price and then offer half of that price because you read in the newspaper that day that medical schools are only worth half their value. It does not matter that the schools the newpaper was talking about were in China, because it must apply here in America also!
3. You must let me build the medical school and then tell me what you "really" wanted and that if I don't change it you will go to another company to build it because you read in the newspaper that you can.
4. Once the school is finished and we are ready to close you need to tell us that you are not ready to close because you do not have any money, but you are working on it.
5. After working on getting your money for a minimum of 60 days and you find your money you need to let us know that you read another newpaper article and you believe the Medical School is only worth half of what you agreed to pay up front and that if we don't drop the price you will go to another builder to have them build your school because you read in the newpaper that medical schools are worth less now than when you signed the contract.
6. Once you close on your medical school for 25% of what it should have sold for be sure to send in lots of warranty requests for things like vacuuming the carpet mopping the floors and all the things you forgot to tell us you wanted before we started to build the Medical School because we should have been able to read your minds and knew you wanted these things.
I will look forward to hearing from you to start this process.
Kent
sounds like your getting lots of good advice for your new school of awesome and "icky" things.
Here is a real cost saver. No More high expense for anestegiologists and anestizing patients. Just have them listen to about 1/2 hour of Tilly and the Wall, The Unicorns and Elliott Smith and they will be numb enough to perform even brain surgery. See, your love of medicine and music has a beautiful synergy.
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