Chanson du Jour

Two words. Fill in the blank.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a _______
______ Louise!
Enjoy Stayin' Alive
Hey, don't blame me for the choice. I may or may not have watched Airplane! last night. Blame the movie. Plus, if you don't like this song, you're a bozo. This song is awesome, if not high-pitched.


Just a side note. Does anyone else think the guy in the red shirt looks like Dave Grohl from Nirvana and Foo Fighters? Also, does the guy in the white shirt (who is also balding) look like the lovechild between George Carlin and Bobcat Goldthwait? Also, I think the lead singer looks like George Michael and Gordon Keith from Sports Radion 1310 The Ticket mixed together. Interesting

Chanson du Jour

You may recognize the voice of the lead singer in the following band, and I will tell you why. In 2005, all fans of The Unicorns (me and 3 others) had reason to rejoice (it was a fairly quiet celebration because of lack of critical mass) when the lead singer and drummer of The Unicorns formed a new band called Islands. The drummer has since left the band, but not to worry, Islands is still rocking on. Enjoy Rough Gem by Islands.

Chanson du Jour

This song and video have all the necessary elements for a great music video: skateboarding nuns, karate action shots, surfing nuns in Audi cars, clowns doing surveillance with walkie-talkies, a man with a graduated cylinder full of blood, hippies with flowers, dancing/prancing cops, etc. Enjoy Flyswatter by Eels


By the way, no matter what you read to the contrary, this guy is not from LA. He is from Dallas.

Snuggie As A Buggie In A Ruggie

Cami and I could not stop laughing last night as we watched this commercial. Yes, this is a real commercial. They are actually trying to sell this product and pass it off as a legitimate option for warming oneself. My apologies to any of you who are reading this who own one of these (I'm sure they are quite nice and practical - and, I might add, quite a steal with this TV offer), but these just look ridiculous. And, if you own one, please please please DO NOT EVER wear it to a sporting event, as is recommended. You will look...uhh...shall we say...out of place?

New No. 1

We have a new number one in the Tetris tourney. Many people gave up after Spencer's score, but Camille did not. Unfortunately I deleted the screen shot, but I and the two dogs are witnesses to level 21 with 209 lines and 135,000ish points. Happy playing everyone.

Here is a rare glimpse of the new champ (no, not the stud on the right, but the beauty on the left)

It is true what they say. Smoke follows the ugly one. Gimme a break. That is as wide as I could open my eyes with all those carcinogenic billows blowing in my face. Thanks to Jenny and Phill for this great picture. We have a 24" X 36" version in our living room.

Chanson du Jour

On this the last day of 90s grunge week, I couldn't decide between the two other big grunge bands (with honorable mention going to Silverchair, Bush, Garbage, Hole, and Alice in Chains). So, I will give you a song from both.

Enjoy Spoonman by Soundgarden


And Tonight, Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins

Konshu No Arubamu

While I like highlighting the awesome albums that I listen to, I also really enjoyed highlighting a terrible album that I will never listen to (like I did last time with the falsetto female-voiced band The Eaglettes). Let's make that a tradition, shall we? Honor a cd worth honoring and slam a cd worth slamming. I feel that is fair.

Not much Ipod (by the way, the Ipod has a name and it is I Am Spartacus) time this week, as you can imagine, but when I did fire it up, Pavement's Wowee Zowee was playing.




This album, on the other hand, was definitely not playing because it is unlistenable. The Joshua Tree by U2

Chanson du Jour

More 90s fantasticicity would have to include The Toadies. Awesome Dallas band. I knew and sometimes did stuff with Lisa, the bassist, in high school. She would be a great topic for the "Where are they now?" shows because she is no longer with the band. Yes, The Toadies are still together (after 2 breakups) and released a solid album this year. Enjoy 1996's Away by The Toadies.

Merry Christmas. Love, The Gore Family

Besides inventing the internet, Al Gore has given us many things. Let's sing about them to the tune of a festive holiday ditty.

Chanson du Jour

My Christmas gift to you. My favorite Nirvana song. I would be remiss if I did not include Nirvana, the godfathers of grunge, in the 90s grunge week.

Chanson du Jour

Let's continue 90s grunge week. Before the lead singer micturated on his audience and before he died of a drug overdose, he created this little ditty and video. Enjoy No Rain by Blind Melon.

Sorry, Canada

With great apologies to our friends up north, enjoy this biting report on the sad state of the NHL.

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

The Obligatory Christmas Post

What is a blog without a Christmas report? I will tell you. Nothing. It is nothing. So, here is my shopping advice. Drink some wassail, sing some songs, and go get that perfect gift for that almost-loved-one.

Aunts And Stepdads Line Up For This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea Kettle

Huh. Interesting.

This would be the second most biased network, behind MSNBC.

Weather Channel Accused of Pro-Weather Bias

Intimidating?

You tell me. Do you respect their authority?

Chanson du Jour

As promised, some 90s grunge. When I was a wee lad, I was too poor and immobile to buy music. At about 14 or 15, when I earned a little cash for myself, I entered the awesome world of buying music. My first purchase was 4 cds: Four by Blues Traveler, the Batman Forever soundtrack, Throwing Copper by Live, and Vitalogy by Pearl Jam. I have selected a Pearl Jam song, Not For You, to play for you. It was my favorite song off Vitalogy. This is Pearl Jam rehearsing for SNL in 1994.

PS - I love Mike McCready's getup (Teva sandals and shorts and windsuit jacket).
PSS - Next time you talk to Cami, ask her about my awesome Eddie Vedder (lead singer) impersonation. It could win awards. If you are lucky, maybe someday I will do it for you.

This Will Not Be Kenneth Darby's Christmas Card Picture

One More Reason To Not Be Cocky

The No Fear shirt had it right. Second place is the first loser (emphasis added).

Chanson du Jour

Enjoy the indie, folk, sultry sounds of New York's own Beirut singing Nantes

Chanson du Jour

Enjoy Miss Misery by Elliott Smith. This is an Oscar-nominated song from the Good Will Hunting soundtrack

This Belongs In The "Ya Don't Say" Category

Well, after 4700 volunteers and 60 years of analysis it is official: happiness is contagious. If you would like to light more of your time on fire by reading the specifics on this research of the obvious, click here.

Did they really not know that? Could there have been a better use for that grant money? 60 years to find out happiness is contagious? I could have told you that in 3 words. Incredulous after hearing this report, I went to dumbresearchprojectsthathaveobviousoutcomesthaticannotbelieve
gotfunded.com to learn about more research going on in the world. Here is what I found.

One study is trying to prove that falling from a higher distance does more damage to the human body. They are studying roofers of 1,2, and 3-story houses to see who gets injured more: the guy falling off the one-story or the guy falling off the three-story house.

Another study is trying to prove that eating 84,000 calories a day while doing no physical exercise is detrimental to one's health.

I read about another study that is trying to prove the validity and necessity of seatbelts. I would hate to see the null hypothesis on this study.

But, the one I was most interested in is the climate study going on. Scientists are trying to prove that there is a link between latitude and climate. Preliminary reports are showing that the closer you are to the poles, the colder it gets. Fascinating. I can't wait to see the results of this one.

Konshu No Arubamu

This week's album is Desperado by The Eagles



Just kidding. I haven't lost my impeccable taste in music. I would rather be flogged in a public square than listen to the aforementioned Eagles cd. This week's album is really Nighttiming by Coconut Records

Chanson du Jour

Two words can describe the superhappy music of Mika...
1) Money
2) Gay?

Enjoy Grace Kelly by Mika

Chanson du Jour

Enjoy the "folk-punk" or "indie-roots" sounds of Concord North Carolina's The Avett Brothers singing Die Die Die

And The "Worst Parents Ever" Award Goes To...

Heath and Deborah Campbell of Easton, Pennsylvania. Why? I will name their three children for you.

Adolf Hitler Campbell (3 years old)
JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell (2 years old)
Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell (1 year old)

Ummmm...what?
No this is not an Onion report. Check it out for yourselves.

Deathy Death Death

Are you going to die from a natural disaster? What? You haven't thought about that? Well, it is high time you get that hamster wheel a-turnin'. I will assist you in your thought process with the following map.


This is broken up by county. If it is white, you are at the national average for risk of dying in a natural disaster. If it is blue, you are safer than the average American. If it is red, contact your attorney and hammer out your will; you could go at anytime because you are at a higher risk of dying by means of a natural disaster. Sweet dreams.

Life In Slow Motion

I will never recommend this show to anyone because it is done so cheesily, but I heard of this show on Discovery Channel called Time Warp. Basically, these guys film ordinary stuff on super slo-mo cameras and look at what is happening in slow motion. It is actually pretty cool. Here is one of my favorite segments.

Here is what happens when a baseball hits a bat, and when a bat breaks. Quite nifty.

Christmas Wish List

Many of you are wondering what to get me for Christmas. I want this.

Vincent Dooly

Meet the funniest man on the interweb. Vincent Dooly, the inventor.

The Macelet


The Super Suit


Audition Tape

Chanson du Jour

In Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo is starting to make his move on Princess Leia and has the audacity to tell her that she has feelings for him. To this she responded "Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!" This line gave birth to one of the greatest "nerd rock" bands ever, Nerf Herder.

I counted myself among the fortunate the day I got to see them in concert in SLC. There were about 30 of us there in some basement downtown. As I was entering the venue, Parry Gripp pointed me in the direction I should go. Yes, the same Parry Gripp that is the lead singer of this great band. He was just outside on the street talking on his cell phone. Awesome experience #1. Then, as I went down into the basement, the drummer Steve Sherlock aka The Cougar was just chillin on the ground waiting for the opening acts to finish (there was no "backstage" in the basement so the band just had to wait out among the fans for their turn). Awesome experience #2. The guitarist Charlie Dennis was working merchandise selling duty that night and sold me my t-shirt, then signed it. Awesome experience #3.

Enjoy a cut off their new album, the pure greatness of Oh Me Oh My

Chanson du Jour

Make up day.

Tuesday - Before Hairspray, no one knew that Christopher Walken could dance unless you saw the Fatboy Slim video for Weapon of Choice

Monday - Regina Spektor - On The Radio

Saturday - Phantom Planet - Do The Panic

Ibeatyou.com

Baron Davis (yes, the basketball player) has a website that he set up called ibeatyou.com. I read about it in Sports Illustrated. The site is a place where you can challenge the world to anything. I beat you. The site is actually kind of uninteresting, but here are two of my favorite "I beat you's"

Steve Nash shooting free throws. Incredible. Dad, this challenge is to you.



Baron Davis/Steve Nash movie trailer. Again the PG rating prevents it from making an appearance on the blog, but you can click on that link at your own risk. Hilarious!

My Dream

Time Magazine's number one viral video of 2008, and coincidentally one of my dreams.

For All The Curious

Someone has yet to ask me, but I know many are wondering, how can I put so much crap on one blog? Where does the time come from? Does he have a job? Does he have a hobby? Does he have any responsibility at all? Does his wife keep him locked up in a tiny room with Wi-Fi? (Help!) Is he obsessed with finger exercise? Is he just so funny that he cannot keep it all contained inside?

The answer to all those is a resounding...(in chronological order, respectively) don't know, doesn't take much time to post crap it only takes time to post something worth reading which cannot be found here, yes, yes, yes, only when I misbehave, no, you be the judge.

But, the answer to the multitudinous posts is this. I live, according to a recent survey, in the 51st safest city in America with a population over 75,000 humans! How awesome is that?!? There were like 382 cities analyzed (crime rates) and my city came in 51. Not shabs. So, why does that mean that I have to blog all the time and never leave the house unless I need Pepsi? I will explicate. Dallas, the nearest "big" city to me, was ranked 356. Like I am going there! What, do you want me to get shot or mugged or worse? Nice try. I can't go out at all because I live in one of the safest havens this great country has to offer.

I can't go out. Period. Unless I want to go to Frisco (ranked 16th) or Allen (ranked 9th), but there is no way ON EARTH I would ever want to go to either of those cities. So, until Dallas gets safer, which will be...uhhhh...I don't know...never! I will stay and post til my little (safe) heart is content.

I Lose

I made a bet with Cami saying I could go without the internet for a full week. I lose.

Breaking News

I am happy to report, since I know everyone was curious, that the ants are no longer attacking us in our home. The siege is over. We couldn't be happier.

PS - The Obama plan might have worked, but we decided to go with the Blagojovich Plan instead. We just sold Barack Obama's vacated house to the ants for future positions in the colony. That worked like a charm. They are on a bus to Chicago as we speak. Success. Full success.

Konshu No Arubamu

In addition to the song of the day, I will try and put up an album of the week (konshu no arubamu). The phrase is Japanese. Go ahead and pronounce the last word quickly. Sound like "album"? It should. It is a Japanesey version of the famed English word.

The album of the week is an album that got serious "spin time" on my Ipod that week. It lets you know what kind of bands I like, and what kind of mood I was in that week. This week is the upbeat, poppy sounds of Phantom Planet's Raise The Dead.

Chanson du Jour

Apparently my last two songs of the day have been huge failures. So, in order to salvage what is left of my self esteem, I went very conservative today. Enjoy The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson

Hobbies Part II

Playing competitive baseball with and talking smack to 4 year olds


Practicing for upcoming roles in Cirque du Soleil


Setting up tents (stupid things take a PhD to put up)


Taking pictures with Russell Crowe (not the nasty Master and Commander Russell Crowe, but the Gladiator Russell Crowe)


And having "who can be cheesier" competitions

Roll The Tape

Here is a highlight reel of the activities of the Jensen fam over the last few weeks...

1) Kevin danced with Molly (yes, the dog) to Meatloaf's I'd Do Anything For Love while singing at the top of his lungs. This really frightened Cami

2) Kevin had to go buy Mabodofu Sauce from the local Asian mart bumping his head on the doorway as he went in. He also realized that he cannot read any of the labels. Hope he got the right stuff
3) At a very nondescript point on Interstate 635, Richard Nixon (the Xterra) hit the 141414 mile mark on the odometer. That was a cool moment for all person involved
4) We re-purchased Better Off Dead, the classic 80s high school movie starring John Cusack. Hilarious. Please, someone sing the Peaches And Herb song..."Reunited and it feels so good."

5) Cami's work efforts were nominated for a regional advertising award. Went to the awards show, hung out with drunk marketing execs, ate some food, watched the others get drunker, went home happy
6) Saw the Moscow Ballet's Nutcracker. Seriously? These were the guys we were afraid of during the cold war? These were the guys who were defeated in Olympic hockey in 1980...and it was considered a "miracle"? These guys? Huh.

This Is How I Feel

Ever felt this way using a computer?

Chanson du Jour

The selection of today's song of the day was easy. To spite Anonymous, who apparently has an aversion to bright colors and trampolines, I have selected the...uhhh...what can only be described as pure pandemonium of Sing Songs Along by Tilly And The Wall.

Let us be free, Anonymous!!!

Under Siege

I am creating this post from an undisclosed underground lair. Why the secrecy? Because I don't want "them" to find me. "They" found Cami and me a couple of days ago and seem to follow us wherever we go. "They" are in our food, under our Christmas tree, in our laundry room, and in our kitchen sink. Without strong resolve on our part, "they" will soon be in our heads. Of course when I say "them" I am referring to ants. They are everywhere. We are under attack and can't seem to stop it. Baits, sprays, granules, dirty bombs. Nothing seems to rid our lives of these unwelcome guests. But, we have brainstormed and come up with some killer ideas (pun intended) that we think will put an end to this insectus pandemicus.

1) Force them to listen to the music of The Eagles. That seems to kill anything (kind of like Clorox)
2) Show the ants an Adam Sandler movie. They might then kill themselves
3) Lay carpet in our backyard (maybe they will be fooled into thinking that is the house)
4) Train Molly to hunt/eat anything in the order Hymenoptera (which would include wasps, bees, and ants)
5) Pour a trail of sugar to our neighbor's house
6) Build up an immunity to pesticide - then douse our domicile in the stuff
7) Buy LOTS of magnifying glasses and gather all the kids in the neighborhood for a little science experiment
8) Go to the pound and adopt an anteater (they're domesticated, right?)
9) Fly our house into space, get dangerously close to a black hole, and let the gravitational field suck them in, FOR - EV - ER
10) Go talk to their leader and try to improve relations between ants and humans (we call this the Obama Plan)
11) Make them listen to commentary by Stuart Scott
12) Have them watch the Notre Dame football team's offense. By the time ND gets a first down (the third quarter) the ants will have lost interest and left the house to find the Ball State game

Well, these are our options. We think they are all pretty solid ideas and one of them is bound to work. The one thing that we have that ants do not (besides opposable thumbs and an endoskeleton) is the ability to think critically and analyze. Our intelligence is our only ally here. Wish us luck.

Chanson du Jour

G'day mates. Let's grab our blokes and dames and head down under to put another shrimp on the barbie. Enjoy Hold Music from Australia's own Architecture In Helsinki.

Hobbies Part I

We will be doing several posts displaying various hobbies that the Jensen family has. I hope that we don't bore you too terribly with our war stories.

We love re-enacting scenes from Forrest Gump


We love visiting sites with oversized Gallus Gallus Domesticus(chickens)


And Log-splitting

Chanson du Jour

Two interesting things about this band...

1) They are from Dallas (well Tyler, TX actually)
2) They consist of 4 siblings and a cousin

Enjoy Memories by Eisley

Chanson du Jour

One of the few of his songs I could find that I really like and doesn't have a cuss word. Enjoy

Ben Folds - Still Fighting It

Well, Well, Well. What Have We Here?

About 3 minutes after I invited everyone in bloggerville to our Tetris tourney, the record was smashed! Spencer Nelson (wife's cousin's husband and fellow Texan?) got to level 19 with 165 lines. Nice work Spencer.

Now, luckily we are not like the video game record officials as portrayed in the movie "King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters" and we will not require a videotape submission proving the score was achieved without cheats or irregularities. Spencer even went above and beyond the call of duty and kept the screen shot which he has posted on his own blog. Now, Cami and I have new purpose. Beat Level 19 and 165 lines...

The offender and new record holder (just ignore the Jazz cake)

Open Tetris Tourney

For those interested, I have linked an online Tetris game. We will have an ongoing competition to see who is king/queen of the geeks. I hit level 10 with 98 lines and was in the lead for a while until Cami came along and hit level 11 with 106 lines. So far that is the best. If you are interested (mom), click "Play Tetris" on the right and have fun. Post your level and # of lines if it is not too embarrassing. Just put it in the comments section of the most recent post and I will recognize you proper. Remember 6 people see this a month, so be choosy.

Chanson du Jour

My favorite Christmas song.

One More Reason To Abide By Bruce Jensen's Personal Grooming Standards

I'm guessing this guy is not on Toni & Guy's mailing list.

Hitler A BYU Fan? You Decide...

Bedlam In Austin

If you know anything about college, football, or college football, you know about the "injustice" going on right now with Oklahoma as the beneficiary and UT as the whipping boy. Here are a couple of updates on the BCS fiasco this year.

This plane was sent to fly around UT's campus this week (this is real).


This is a lighter note. The BCS has apparently decided to apply its rules and standards to WWII and has decided that Germany actually won the war. Enjoy.

AP - After determining the Big-12 championship game participants the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

“Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work–including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule–our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking.”

Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated “The US only had two major victories–Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren’t influenced by head-to-head contests–they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event.”

German Chancellor Adolph Hiter said “Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks.” Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn ’style points’ to enhance Germany’s rankings. Hitler protested “Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces.”

The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented “France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2.”

Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.

United States head coach Harry S Truman was criticized by many as having poor taste for scheduling a “politicking” interview during halftime of the German bombing raids over Great Britain.

In that interview, Truman stated, “Any way you look at it, there is going to be a really good military force that gets left out. But when you come right down to it, our head-to-head victory over the Germans has to be the deciding factor.”

A US fan also made the point that “Germany is getting all the style points right now because of their sexy offense, which continues to obliterate weaker opponents and show off their might after the battle is already won. But what about defense?”

There you have it.

Chanson du Jour

Whenever you gather with your friends, the conversation inevitably turns to schmaltzy 80s music (if your friends are anything like mine). In the course of talking about the cheesetastic, overly dramatic music of the 80s, Hall & Oates comes up like 64 times.

Sara Smile
Kiss on my List
You Make My Dreams
Maneater
Rich Girl
Say It Isn't So
Private Eyes
I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)
One on One
Everytime You Go Away

Anyway. You get the idea. Enjoy She's Gone, probably one of the dumbest videos I have ever seen, but it is very funny.

They Draft Like Me

With my predilection for horrible sports teams, I was interested to research some of the big busts in the NBA draft over the years. We know Tiny Tim was a GREAT number one choice for the Spurs in 1997, and we also know that Sam Bowie (picked 2nd) should never have been picked before John Stockton (picked 17th) in the 1984 draft. But, what about these?

1891: James Naismith, the inventor of basketball, picks Joey Farnath to play center on the red team, as he is not yet aware how great a disadvantage being 4'5" will prove in the new game

1966: After observing the vast breadth and depth of his basketball knowledge, the New York Knicks just assume that Marv Albert will be able to play

1984: Michael Jordan is selected third overall, but never lives up to expectations, batting .202 with 50 career RBI

1993: The Washington Bullets are disappointed when their second-round pick, the 7'7" Croation Gheorghe Muresan who doesn't know how to play basketball, performs like he doesn't know how to play basketball

1994: Grant Hill is selected third overall by the Detroit Pistons and breaks both wrists while holding up his new team's jersey

2001: Kwame Brown turns out to be a bust, though, with his height, cornrows, and frame, Washington Wizards scouts and management still contend that he "really looks like a good basketball player"

2003: LeBron James is selected first overall by the Cleveland Cavaliers in what would become one of the greatest busts in NBA history, not for the Cavaliers, but for James

Sam Bowie (world's worst draft pick in the history of ever)

Good News And Bad News

Which do you want first? Bad News? Ok. Here goes. Texas, my home state, was just ranked as the 46th healthiest state in the nation. Not bad. There are 4 states with obeser, strokier, cancerier, smokier, diabeteser people than Texas. I blame the lack of mountains. How are we supposed to burn energy without mountains? We can't rightly go snow skiing or mountain biking. What do we do instead? Drive our cars to our corporate jobs, sit, eat, watch football, and sleep. Tailgates. Barbecue. Fermented barley. Too many restaurants. Not enough recreation. Boredom. It is no wonder we are so unhealthy.


Good news. I read this yesterday.

Pantone, which provides color standards to design industries, specifically cites "mimosa," a vibrant shade of yellow illustrated by the flowers of some mimosa trees as well as the brunch-favorite cocktail, as its top shade of the new year. In general, Pantone expects the public to embrace many tones of optimistic yellow.

"I think it's just the most wonderful symbolic color of the future," says Leatrice Eiseman, executive director of the Pantone Color Institute. "It's invariably connected to warmth, sunshine and cheer — all the good things we're in dire need of right now."

Just thought everyone would be happy to hear that.

Yeah For Soccer....Again

Cute and Funny??

Maybe.

Chanson du Jour

Did you know that before You've Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks (greatest actor ever?) did a movie together. Yes, that's right. "What movie is that?" you say. Two words: Joe Versus The Volcano.

If you have not seen it? Do. If you have seen it? Again. If you saw it yesterday? Awesome. Enjoy The Del Vikings with Come Go With Me from the JVTV soundtrack.


The clip from the movie that the song is featured in. Enjoy the part where Tom Hanks does the "Bruce Jensen Dance" to the song.

Chanson du Jour

The artist is Cat Power. She is the queen of college radio. Enjoy The Greatest. See if you can identify what is wrong with this video (check the 1:00 minute mark).

Chanson du Jour

I have my own rule of thumb when it comes to music. If the musician has been on the Conan show, he/she/they are great. Enjoy As Tall As Cliffs Live by Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos.

Hits Close To Home

This reminds me of a horrifying experience I had while boogie boarding in Hawaii. Anonymous knows what I am talking about. I feel the pain, dude in the video.

Super Bowl Shuffle

Remember this?

I will root for the Bears to win the Super Bowl this year just to see Sexy Rexy make a video like this. I wonder what his verse would be...

My name is Rex Grossman
Used to be the quarterback
Didn't do nothing besides talk smack
Ruled the roost in college
Stunk in the NFL
Now I hold a clipboard
Tell Orton he's doing swell
When I play, the Bears are in trouble,
So I'll just be here doing the Super Bowl Shuffle

Awesome

I believe this needs NO caption. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Jacksonville? More like Existentialville!

I have been wondering all year why the Jaguars are having a below average season this year in the NFL league. If I had known what went on before the first game, everything would have been much clearer. See for yourself.

Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life

My New PR

I had 53 blog posts in October. That was a personal record (PR) for two reasons: 1) I didn't blog any month before that (besides the very end of Sep) and 2) It is a ridiculous amount of posts for one month. But, you will all be happy to know that I shattered my PR and posted 62 ridiculous, time-wasting videos and dumb jokes in November. With the help of all of you and a little extra time, I think we can beat 62 this month. What do you think? As Linguini says in Ratatouille Let's do this thing.

Cami Feels "At World's End"

I bought the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie the other day. I have never seen it. So, to gear up, I watched the first two again and then watched the third one last night. I have been talking like a pirate for a couple of days now which I think my wife really likes. I will keep doing it.

Chanson du Jour

Funky ditty from Frankenstein.

Donavon Frankenreiter - Move By Yourself

Celebrity Bowling Competition

I was channel surfing today and I came across a celebrity bowling match on ESPN. I didn't get to see who all participated because I joined in at the end, but it looks like Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson were duking it out in the finals. Here is the video which I recorded on my VCR (man, I love technology). Enjoy.



Ok. Ok. So, maybe I don't have TV, therefore I can't watch ESPN. And maybe this is a clip from Kingpin. But, it is funny nonetheless. Even without the context. Just Bill Murray's hair and facial expressions are funny enough.

Chanson du Jour

The impeccable, incredible, indelible, infallible, indubitable, inflatable, international, inflammable, institutional, inspirational, immovable, Mason Jennings.

Mason Jennings - Fighter Girl

Another Great Joke

I love to read. Not books. They are way too long. I mentally check out after about 3 minutes so anything that cannot be read in that amount of time is right out. Magazines, news stories, nonfiction (even some nonfiction books), sports stories, etc are all fair game. As part of this love of reading (briefly) I am a voracious reader of 2 of the top 3 publications in the world today: The New England Journal of Medicine and The Reader's Digest. Note: Highlights magazine is the 3rd top publication, but I find it juvenile and simple. But, I can never find all the differences between the two pictures. It drives me crazy.

Here is a joke I read in this month's Reader's Digest. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks. He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the bookkeeper's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the bookkeeper signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

What Is Wrong With This?

Today, Cami and I found a newspaper clipping announcing my birth. It is unclear what newspaper it was, but it was probably the New York Times or something like that. But, there was one glaring error with the announcement. See if you can find it.

KEVIN JENSEN

A son (check) weighing 9 pounds 3 ounces (check) was born April 7 in Vallejo General Hospital to Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Jensen of 444 Corcoran Ave. (check, check, check).

The baby has been named Kevin Scott Jensen (check) and has a brother, Stacy (what?).

A brother named Stacy huh? Maybe I will get to meet him one day. I have heard of this mystical creature. But, my parents wanted to shield me from all bad influences. Rumor has it that my brother Stacy has quite the potty mouth and many character flaws. Thanks to my parents for shielding me from such a shady character.

But, now that I am a reasonably responsible semi-adult about to have a baby of my own (well not me, my wife), I feel it is now time to track down my older brother Stacy and meet him. Maybe I can help get him back on course. Maybe he has extra money I can have. Maybe he works on an admissions committee somewhere. Regardless, I need to meet him so I can complete my nuclear family.

Any news or tips would be greatly appreciated. I will post a picture of me so you can show my brother that I truly exist. Please carry it around asking everyone about my brother. With y'all's help we can find him in less than 30 years I believe.

Sincerely,

Kevin Scott Jensen (concerned younger brother to an older brother Stacy)

Chanson du Jour

The original bassist for Weezer was only with the greatest band ever for two albums. After Pinkerton, Matt Sharp left the band to start his own band The Rentals. This was back around 1996. Enjoy Waiting.

Notre Dame

Well, here is the deal with Notre Dame. They have a lot of things going for them. Strength of schedule? Check. They had to play all three acadamies! National exposure and big time games? Check. At least 30 people watch their games every week as NBC lights millions of dollars on fire. Tradition? Check. BCS league? Don't need one. They are just that good.

The only thing that will keep them from the championship game this year in not the 6-5 record. It is the fact that not even their fans like the team this year. Yes, it was a HOME GAME when the fans were throwing snowballs at the Notre Dame players as they lost to Syracuse (and yes Syracuse does have a football team; and no, Carmelo Anthony does not play on it). So, that will keep them out of it this year, Anonymous.

Unofficial. Moderately funny. Extremely Accurate.

Confusion Alleviation Session

College football is winding down to a close. Hallelujah. It can't happen fast enough for me. But, that is neither here nor there. It looks like, once again, the NCAA and BCS are going to have a messy mess on their hands. For example, there is only one BCS team that is still undefeated, Alabama. Hopefully that stays that way and half of the Championship game is decided. But, UT beat OU then TTech beat UT then OU beat TTech. So which is better? Who is worthy of the championship? Florida lost to Ole Miss. OLE MISS!!! Are they worthy? Should Ole Miss go with a record of 7-4? Doubt it. USC lost to Oregon State, but that is their only loss. Are they worthy? Utah is undefeated, but not in a "BCS Conference". Are they worthy? If they are worthy, why are Boise State and Ball State (the two BSUs) not worthy?

You see the problem. Everyone knows that they look at records, strength of schedule, whether the loss was at home or away, what part of the season the loss was in, etc. But, many people are still confused and debating about who should be in the BCS championship game as it currently stands. Luckily I have a friend on the BCS committee that has given me some of the other criteria and he has said I can share them on the blog since no one reads this garbage anyway.

Let me iron this out for you who are confused.

Ball State will never play for a National Championship as long as their mascot is the Cardinals. That is ridiculous. They are out. Boise State? They are from Idaho. Now, there is nothing wrong with Idaho (I mean it is perfectly cold and barren), but let's get serious. Idaho is not really known for its football. Plus the field is blue, so they are out. Florida? What a frustrating team that is to watch. They have great talent and coaching, but lose at least one game every year. They always argue they are the best. WELL WIN ALL YOUR GAMES THEN!!!! Let us not forget the constant plight of the Gator fan:"But we are in the SEC and it's hard". Cry me a river. Win! But, the thing that excludes them from the Championship is the fact that the school cafeteria no longer serves Chicken Cordon Bleu. That is absurd. They are out.

OU? Best fight song. Most obnoxious coach. Most drunk fans. All good things that make me feel they should play for the championship. And even though they had the highest percentage of Republican voters in the last election, the fact that the Oklahoma state bird is the Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher rules out OU and any other school in Oklahoma. UT? They don't get into the Championship because their "superstar" quarterbacks have included Major Applewhite, Vince Young, and Chris Sims. Not too promising for ol' Colt McCoy now is it? TTech? Really? You didn't think Tech would be playing for the championship did you? Utah? I will refrain from comment on this one.

You can see how this is more complicated than anyone ever imagined. Alabama is even going to be ruled out of the Championship game because they cancelled their Latin program saying it is a "dead language". In fact, the NCAA no longer recognizes 'Bama as a University because of this.

The Ruling:
We are going to watch the no-win Washington Huskies duke it out with the 2-win Washington State Cougars so that national attention is drawn to the dismal years those two are having. But, hey they will make $10 million out of it. Who needs dignity anyway?

My New Hero

No, not Barry Manilow. That would be ridiculous. Barry Manilow is my old hero. My new hero is Municipal Judge Paul Sacco of Fort Lupton, Colorado. He has decided that an appropriate punishment for noise violators in his city is to sit in a room for hours and listen to "music they don't like" including Barney the dinosaur and Barry Manilow. Now that is awesome.

Uhhh...Melo?

Where you going Smalls? You forgot to turn. Smalls?

Chanson du Jour

In honor of their third full-length album being released yesterday, here is a great tune from Las Vegas' The Killers. An awesome combination of the sights from my mission and the sounds from after it. Enjoy Read My Mind

Editor's Note

After the Blog Editor, Cami, saw the post with the Real Men of Genius commercials, my email inbox became flooded with emails from her. She was unhappy that I left off the two best RMOG commercials. So, in an attempt to keep my job (it is a bad economy right now after all), here are the missing two commercials. I hope you are happy now, Cami.

Mr. Giant Taco Salad Inventor



Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer

Chanson du Jour

Great song + Great band + Great video = sure to draw the ire of Anonymous

Enjoy Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies

Let Me Be Clear

I don't drink beer. But, this is just genius. If you have not heard a lot of the Real Men of Genius commercials from Bud Light, you are missing out on some seriously funny sports humor. Here are a few of my favorites.

Mr. T-shirt Launcher Inventor


Mr. Paranoid of the Ocean


Mr. Over-Zealous Foulball Catcher


Mr. 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer (this one is for Anonymous)


Mr. Overly Competitive Touch Football Player (ignore the sound effects and stupid video)


Mr. Rolling Cooler Cooler Roller


Mr. Pro Sports Heckler Guy (PG rated commercial - BEWARE)

Chanson du Jour

Too hard to choose. So, here are two songs from The Ramones.

Baby, I Love You (cover of the Ronettes)


The KKK Took My Baby Away

My Humility Amazes Me

For those of you who really know me, you are well aware of the awesome humility that I have. I am always willing to admit when I have made a mistake, when I am wrong, when I started the forest fire, when I got arrested, when I failed a test, etc. Although these instances rarely happen (and I use rarely with its strictest definition) I am, ON OCCASION, wrong. Now, what on earth am I spilling my guts for? Let me 'splain.

It is no mystery that I am not a fan of the wimpy sport, soccer. Make no bones about it, I do not like the sport. It is very fun to watch, hard to excel at and requires a lot of skill. But, there are two rules that are very stupid: Offsides and 50/50. I can go on that rant all day, so I will skip it here.

But, recent events (on Youtube about 2 minutes ago) have caused me to rethink my views on soccer. After watching the following video, I have come to the determination that it is almost a real sport. Enjoy

9 More Minutes

So, I have a little poll for any who would like to participate. In makes it no fun if you google the answer. Just give it your best shot. The question is...Why do alarm clocks have a snooze button that extends sleep for 9 minutes? Why not 5? Why not 10? That is the question that I have researched. Here are some possible answers to that perplexing pregunta.

Theory 1
Ten minutes is long enough to get back into deep sleep, so they set the snooze for 9 so that people did not fall back into a deep sleep. This makes people happier throughout the day

Theory 2
Before digital clocks, when the snooze feature was added, the gears of the snooze function had to mesh with the gears of the clock. Because the gears did not fit precisely at 10 minutes, they set the snooze to be 9 minutes because more than 10 minutes would be too long. In other words, it was just a function of gears fitting together. Upon the advent of digital clocks, clockmakers had just accepted that snoozes should last 9 minutes

Theory 3
It is easier to program the alarm clock to pay attention to one digit. By setting the snooze to be 9 minutes, the programmers only have to worry about the last digit (they program the alarm to go off as soon as the last digit DECREASES by one i.e. 45 to 54). If it were 10 minutes, the last digit would be the same, thus requiring more digits for the alarm clock to keep track of

Theory 4
Original clockmakers were lazy and did not care about precision. When the snooze feature was introduced, it usually ended up going off between 9 and 10 minutes after the snooze button was hit. When digital clocks were invented, 9 minutes was then seen as the norm, hence the 9 minute snooze

Put your vote in for the theory you like the best. There seems to be no real consensus on this, so there are no wrong answers. Just something fun to ponder.

Chanson du Jour

This fan video proves two things:

1) Fans of The Unicorns are AWESOME!!!!!!
2) It is a crying shame The Unicorns broke up.

Enjoy I Was Born A Unicorn

One Court Supreme, Please. Hold The Tomatoes.

The Supreme Court of Canada just ruled that obese people can get two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada. That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard since I read my last post. It got me thinking: what is coming down the pike for our friendly took-wearing compadres up north? I have some ideas that I have faxed to the Canadian Supreme Court. Maybe some of them will stick.

Their 4 cents worth for schizophreniacs
Carbon offset credits for the overly flatulent
Free cell phones and unlimited texts for the gossipy
A second appointment/date for the flaky
A self back-scratcher for the arrogant
A double cheeseburger for the price of a cheeseburger for the gluttonous
A copy machine and personal genie for the envious
An extra day for the procrastinator

This is just a sample of the ideas I submitted. I think I can help make big improvements to Canadian law. I am very excited.

Chanson du Jour

Arizona-based The Format with The Compromise.

Thanks For The Vids

I am never asked by those who don't read the blog, "how do you know about all these time-wasting videos?". The simple answer is, I stumble upon some of them, I seek some of them out, and some are sent to me by those with a deep concern for the success of this blog. Here are two such videos.

This one is submitted by Grandma Jones. Very funny stuff.

Men In Coats - Video buzz

This one is submitted by Mother Jensen.

Japanese Funny Guy

I've Always Wondered About This

I have always wondered about the stuff that Astronauts lose/chuck/upchuck into space. Here is a news story this week about an astronaut that lost her toolbag. What a frustrating feeling. It was like 10 feet away just chilling in midspace, but she couldn't get it. Terrible.

I love the apathetic sound in the guys voice. "Yeah, we see it" in a completely deadpan monotone voice. Awesome.

Almost Worth Attending

Pep Rallies were the worst in high school. I just had no school spirit. But, this pep rally is almost worth going to. Lake Highlands High School in Dallas has a football team in the second round of the playoffs and a volleyball team in the state finals. They had a pep rally planned for Friday, but it was changed to Tuesday (11/18/08)for unknown reasons. Here is the beginning of the pep rally. Do not watch the whole video unless you are really bored. Just check out who came. It should only be a minute or so.

Yes, that was Tony Romo and Will Smith at a high school pep rally. Crazy, huh? One of my scouts goes to this school and was at the pep rally.

Chanson du Jour

Enjoy Amsterdam by Peter Bjorn and John

105,000,000 And Counting

Here is the most watched video on Youtube. In case you have not seen it, enjoy the Evolution of Dance.

8 Things Tag

Cami, has been tagged by her friend Bekah to do the 8 things tag. But, Cami is just not computer literate enough to blog. She is learning though. Right now, she is working on Adobe Illustrator, InDesign, HTML, web design, and creating marketing e-blasts that are sent to thousands of people. Maybe next week she will have the word processing thing down and then she will only be a few months away from blogging. So, with the blessing from Cami's friends, I will attempt to do the 8 things tag as if I were Cami. I think 4+ years of marriage qualifies me to do this.

8 TV Shows I Enjoy Watching:
1) The Office - Season 2 was the last good one
2) DWTS - greatest show ever
3) Mavs Basketball - but only if they win and never if they are playing the Spurs (that is bad for the marriage)
4) Arrested Development - on Hulu of course
5) How It's Made - for the perpetually curious
6) Whatever Kevin is watching - I usually have my eyes closed, but I am listening
7) Monday Night Football - especially when the Giants are playing. They are great
8) Did I mention DWTS?

8 Things That Happened Yesterday:
1) Ate a nice calcium-rich, high protein, high fiber breakfast (in case my Dr. is reading this)
2) Fed my dog
3) Fed my husband - he just shares a bowl with Molly
4) Got my work on - I will not bore you with the details
5) Had stimulating, intelligent midday conversation with my brilliant husband
6) Watched Meet the Robinsons - very wheels off but a cute movie
7) Went to mutual - delivered Thanksgiving baskets to the ward and went to Paciugo afterwards
8) Watched DWTS online

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1) My birthday - you all should know what day it is
2) Thanksgiving - Kent Fried Turkey (bad pun) and the two grandmas in town
3) Christmas - my favorite time of year (I have already busted out the Christmas music, but have resisted the urge to take out the decorations yet)
4) My girl
5) The day my dog can: turn the lights on/off, cook meals, check my email, etc.
6) Having the nursery ready
7) Getting the mail each day
8) Seeing my husband - see an earlier post for why that is something I look forward to

8 Things On My Wishlist:
1) Healthy baby girl
2) Crib - the one from that one store; you know what I'm talking about, right Kevin? Wink. Wink.
3) Warm weather
4) Pleasant husband - I don't like it when he is cranky
5) Never to be mentioned on this blog
6) The housing market to turn around so we can sell more homes
7) Med schools to say yes to Kevin
8) To stay in Texas the rest of my life

8 Things Kevin Did Yesterday (this should be easy):
1) Work
2) Post
3) Scour Youtube for dumb Steve Nash videos
4) Add 2 new players to his fantasy basketball team and one to his football team
5) Go to mutual - with me
6) Listen to his new Adam Green cd like 83 times
7) Watch The In-Laws while I slept
8) Make Hamburger Helper (the best one: Stroganoff) for dinner at about 10 pm